British salesmen failed to inform Canadian forces that metallic paint, air conditioning and SONAR were 'optional extras'

Rescue ships are just arriving to aid the HMCS Chicoutimi, hampered by 'big waves' and 'British submarine design'.

The ship, formerly the HMS Upholder, was sold to Canada by the Royal Navy and was sailing to Canada when the problems broke out. The Times reported last week that Canada planned to sue the Royal Navy over the quality of the 'pre-owned' submarines.

"There ain't nuffin' wrong with the vessel," explained used submarine salesman Marvin X. Wilcox, "Especially for such a knock-down price. Sure the bodywork is a bit rusty, but £243,999,995 on-the-sea, quality diesel-electric motor very few miles on the clock? Bargain!"

The submarines were built in the 1980s and 1990s, but mothballed in 1994 when Britain decided to have an all-nuclear submarine fleet, in response to the fall of the USSR. "After all those years of 'Cold' war," said one General, "The Americans knew where all our missiles were. So we built nuclear subs instead. We didn't have any way to get rid of the old fleet until the boffins invented eBay!"

The shenanigans is expected to inspire a reality TV show where contestants will have to try to buy used submarines, give them a re-fit as part of a weekly "challenge," whilst living in an over-surveyed house and telling one-another how great they are.

Meanwhile, the Canadian Navy are in desperate negotiations with the man in Kwik-Fit, who promises that he "can get the part you need by Tuesday."