Wednesday, 11 November, 2004, 23:12 GMT

Printable version

E-mail this story

Back in Bushness

G. W. Just Holds on to White House

Bush said Kerry was "gracious in defeat" adding that he much prefered being "insufferably smug in victory"

Senator John Kerry has been forced to concede defeat to incumbent President George W. Bush after a closely-contested election. Despite 75% of Americans believing this to be the most important election of their lives, just enough of them voted for Bush to return him to office for another four years.

"Ah'm pleased to be back in power in the greatest country in the World," explained Bush, as Iraqis everywhere buried their heads in their hands.

Kerry admitted defeat as vote-counting in swing state Ohio approached completion, showing Bush had swept to victory with 274 votes on the Electoral College. Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has still not conceded, awaiting the final counts in New Mexico and Iowa.

Roger Bighouse, the American oil baron, fundamentalist Christian and staunch supporter of the Bush-Cheney campaign gave a speech today in which he said the result was "A close won thing. I am proud to have been able to give my money to re-elect Bush, and I'm proud to have voted for his good, honest Christian values, such as tax cuts for the rich, and waging random war."

Better the devil you know than Senator John Kerry. Marvin Wilcox, NA

The American election has seen the use of many different methods of voting, including mechanical card-punching apparatus, touch-screen computers and traditional ballot papers. One voter explained her confusion at the apparatus presented; "I couldn't work me out how to use that danged machine, but then I asked a nice man who called himself the 'Republican election observer'. He got out a li'l card, see, and showed me just how to put it in the machine. 'And yer pull this here handle,' he said, 'and the card comes out with a li'l stamp next to "George W. Bush".' It's amazing what they can do with these there microchips these days."

Compliments to Mr Bush have flowed in from World Leaders, in accordance with the recently-published UN pamphlet, 'Things You're Obliged To Do As A World Leader'. Tony Blair's praise was perhaps the most heartfelt, telling Bush "If you can win an entire country as the incumbent, red-coloured party, that means anyone's got a look in! Great!"