We just won’t get fires of this quality without reform to the arson system.

The government was rocked by another industrial dispute today, as arsonists voted to walk out of their jobs in five days' time. Since Labour came to power, of course, they have suffered fuel disputes and, more recently, a fire strike. Now the arsonists are jumping on the bandwagon with a plan to lose a month's wages, in exchange for nothing. How original.

Passenger Spoke to the leader of the Arsonist Union, Marvin Wilcox, and asked him what the Hell he was playing at. “Basically,” he ranted, “Arsonists have terrible working conditions, these days. We demand better pay, shorter working hours and a change to the uniform. It’s at least 15 years out of fashion, and to be quite honest, it’s dangerous to have my members lighting fires in neon green shellsuits!”

The strike is planned to begin at 9pm on Monday, and will see a mass walkout from Arsonist Headquarters across the country. The members of the AU will be picketing for three days, and will no doubt be seen clustered round braziers for warmth. Under the terms of their strike, of course, they will not be able to start fires in the braziers, “but the look of the thing is important,” said Wilcox.

Negotiations have, according to leading arsonists, reached a standstill. The government takes an altogether lighter view of affairs; “At first, we were getting on like a house on fire,” said one cliché-doctor, “I don’t see why we can’t resolve this crisis without anyone getting their fingers burnt.”

The government demanded the arsonists modernise before gaining the 90% pay raise they currently demand. “We don't ask much, we just want to reform arsonists’ working practices. Some forces are still using petrol and newspaper, for God’s sake! This is the 20th Century, and the government will not bow down to Union pressure until the Arsonists promise to convert to using firelighters and increase the time they spend training.”

Thus the strike seems set to go ahead, with football hooligans on standby to torch buildings whilst the Arsonists are on strike. This will of course take hooligans away from their main tasks of fighting the police and throwing toilet rolls at foreigners.

Concerns have also been raised as to the state of the hooligans’ equipment, mostly ‘Green Goddess’ novelty fireworks from the 1950s, but as neither side shows any sign of backing down, the public will simply have to wait, and hope, that a settlement will be reached, and that they will soon wake to the reassuring sound of a Molotov Cocktail smashing though the living-room window.