Soon it won’t just be mortarboards and robes which dog graduate finances.

Official reports which a Passenger reporter ‘found’ today revealed that the government is preparing for economic sanctions towards students with no palpable reason whatsoever. It is proposed that students will have to pay extortionate tuition fees after they leave university; presumably the three-year wait is intended to compensate for the threefold debts.

The report was an internal memo, and thus contained more swearing and profanities than usual, as well as a number of interesting but potentially libellous scrawls about parliamentary sex romps in the House of Commons. However, it did outline proposals to defer but significantly increase students’ expenses: “We’re not introducing a graduate tax,” said the report, “we just intend to tax graduates.”

Economist Professor Francis T. Bargle, who was once a student himself, said “Obviously in my day there were very few students, and they could be paid for by good old Joe Average Taxpayer. With the government’s plans to get half the population (a full 50%) to university, and thus devalue all degrees, it’s

obvious that the students have to pay through the nose.”

Students are outraged at the proposed taxes, which follow the destruction of the Student Grant, the introduction of Tuition Fees and a sharp increase in housing prices. “We’d be out demonstrating against this,” wailed one student, begging in the street, “But none of us can afford to travel to London!”

If leaked reports are anything to go by, there could soon be ‘toddler tax’, ‘pension tax’ and even ‘death tax’. So, the advice from Passenger is send all your money to their publishing HQ, because the government still haven’t decided upon any random taxes upon those who write crap in their spare time. All donations will be welcome...after all, we’re off to University later this year!