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Friday 14 May 2010, 08:34 GMT

Politics news archive

Clegg and Cameron laughing Brown out
Atmosphere electric as Labour’s power cut

After Gordon Brown’s official resignation as Prime Minister, the Queen has been activated and David Cameron sworn in as the first Conservative PM in history unable to maintain his election without Liberal assistance—though he claims he won’t need a fiscal stimulus.

a see-through French ballot box First past the post past it?: Third party polling ⅓ of vote gives Labour second thoughts

After the first televised leaders’ debate showed a shocked public an unrecognisably generic-looking man in a shiny yellow tie called ‘Nick Clegg’ who was better at talking than two other men, opinion polls have suggested that this ‘Clegg’ may get 33% of the vote but only 16% of the seats in parliament, which some people think seems quite mean.

the three party manifestos spoofed Mandelson punches gibbon: Not really, it’s the KTAB manifesto-fest

The battle for Britain has kicked off and the lines have been drawn as election fever takes off across the country in a wave of mixed metaphors and manifestos. Get the low-down on the documents at the heart of this three-horse race for the light at the end of recession with KTAB’s in-depth analysis.

a bully GB’s NBH PR GBH: Brown beaten after denying his staff are

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was this week forced to hit out at critics in the wake of accusations that he shoved, scared and shouted at staff, made in a sneak preview of a book in Sunday’s Observer, and further stirred by claims from the National Bullying Helpline.

Labour’s Two Nations report Unconservative values: Tories’ duff up-the-duff stats

The Conservative Party was accused of bloating figures this week in a report carrying pregnant claims about teenage motherhood in broken Britain. The report, entitled Labour’s 0.2 Twenty Two Nations, gestated that ‘In the most deprived areas, 54% [of girls] are likely to fall pregnant before the age of 18, compared to just 19% in the least deprived areas.’

Gordon Brown smirking Cutting remarks: Brown spells out C-U-Ts at TUC’s conference

As Gordon Brown finally uttered what the hilarious press are dubbing ‘the c-word’ at a trade union meeting, the Tories and Labour have driven bipartisan politics to a new low this week, transforming the decision between the two former avowed, deep-seated ideological opponents to a choice between ‘cuts’ or ‘nyah, nyah, he said “cuts”! We promised cuts first, he’s a copier!’

some surgeons Doctored evidence: Republicans lie in critical condition over NHS

America has exploded with rage in the face of President Obama’s proposal that everyone in the USA may be entitled to medical treatment in the event that they become ill. Insurance companies have launched a backlash campaign of adverts criticising Britain’s National Health Service, whose vast cost is expected to add 10% to premiums by 2013.

Daily Telegraph editor Will Lewis and some sporks No expense spared: Press make no allowances after receipt of MPs’ claims

As Daily Telegraph circulation soars, journalists from newspapers throughout the UK have spent nearly a fortnight leaping into first-class trains to report on the perfidity of our parliamentary representatives from every luxury hotel in Westminster.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith Jacqui’s man’s right hand: TV pawned after TV porn, Smith pwnd

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith got tied up in a sticky situation this week as it came out that her husband had squeezed a tenner from the public purse whilst watching two pornos at their scandal-baiting ‘second home’ in Redditch.

Queen Elizabeth II Heiry problem: Brown backs equal rights for queens

Buckingham Palace and the Prime Minister have been in discussion over scrapping the 1701 Act of Settlement, a piece of outdated, discriminatory legislation whose removal would transform the monarchy into a dynamic, inclusive institution fit for the 21st century.

Justice Secretary Jack Straw Jack boots out FoI request: Veto to keep skeletons in the Cabinet

The Justice Secretary Jack Straw this week revealed that he was blocking a move to release minutes from the Cabinet meetings that led up to the invasion of Iraq in 2003, due to ‘the damage that disclosure would do’ to confidence in the Cabinet system, by proving to the public how impressionable and unquestioning the nation’s top MPs really are.

ecstasy tablets Nutt E Professor: Drugs moralising leaves Smith hoarse

Government drugs advisor Professor David J Nutt has been forced to apologise by the Home Secretary for correctly observing that riding a horse is significantly more dangerous than popping pills at a disco.

a doll, not Baby P Shoesmith cobbled: Balls denies fiddling as Baby P splashed all over papers again

Children, schools and families minister Ed Balls has said that he ‘didn’t jump in’ by sacking Sharon Shoesmith, the former head of Children’s Services at Haringey council. ‘I don’t for a minute regret pandering to the hysterical tabloid press,’ he said, ‘I’d do it again! And we’d have got away with it if it weren’t for those meddling with kids!’

Total Lindsey refinery Striking accord: Copy-wildcat strikes spread in Total war

Mass walk-outs peaked on Monday when schoolteachers, schoolchildren and anyone who commuted by London bus or Tube stayed off work, none of them in support of protests over foreign labour which started at Lindsey oil refinery last week.

Justice atop the Old Bailey Grave secrets: Government’s plan to bury open inquests back from the dead

The Government has this week re-introduced proposals that would allow inquests into those who have died suddenly to be conducted secretly, to prevent sensitive information from being leaked to grieving relatives, or other members of the public. Such information might relate to possible terror offences, or, indeed, pretty much anything, which can be classified as terrorist offences under 2006 legislation.

bobbies and bloke Hard cell: Labour detain plans to vote for boys in blue

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced this week that the Home Office would ‘step back’ from plans to ‘democratise’ the police, contrary to her traditional policy strategy, ‘if if ain’t broke, smash it up a bit and see if that looks any better’.

Road to ruin: Tories score cheap points over expensive tax

The Tories have pulled a thinly-veiled PR coup by accusing Gordon Brown of misleading the House over new road tax proposals now it’s transpired that, under the new system, owning a car will be almost as expensive as fuelling one.

A ten pee piece 10p tax banned: Policy change as penny finally drops

The government has announced that it will review the winners and losers of its alteration of income tax rates after it became apparent that the biggest losers would be them, in the local elections this week.

Santa skiing not in Panama Ho ho d'oh: Lost post before Christmas

A red-faced and somewhat less-than-jolly government spokesman today confessed that the Santa had lost the records of 1.2 million boys and girls in the third government-loses-records debacle in the space of a month.

a cheque for lots of money made out to The Labour Party Peer Review: Questions asked after "cash for peerage"

After a narrow victory on his education bill, Tony Blair was saved awkward questions about it being carried by the Tories by instead taking awkward questions on why Labour's biggest donors all seem to get nominated for peerages.

a chemistry lab seen through some safety specs Schoolboy Error: Blair dobbed in over school reforms

Tony Blair has defended his proposed schools shake-up, explaining that the system is "not working well enough", and he believes that, better than improving it, he should change it.

A cartoon Muhammad wearing a turban-concealed bomb from Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten Religious Right: Government Wrong

The Prime Minister was left humiliated last night after his Government was defeated by Tony Blair, MP for Sedgefield, who'd snuck out of the House of Commons to write "Gordon Brown is gay" on the toilet walls during a crucial vote on the religious hatred bill.

Sir Menzies Campbell MP Taken From Behind: Sir Ming sneaks up on trailing rivals

There was consternation in the Commons early today, as Sir Menzies Campbell, intrim leader of the Liberal Democrats, issued a statement revealing the dull truth about his love life: he isn't gay, and he's never had sex with a rent boy.

Liberal Democrat bird logo Down In One: Councillor quits after shopping scandal

Market Pickton's Lib Dem council leader Marvin Wilcox was forced to step down after a weekend of 'reflection' and 'back-stabbing' after publicly admitting to a shopping problem.

 

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