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Brown beaten after denying his staff are
Prime Minister Gordon Brown was this week forced to hit out at critics in the wake of accusations that he shoved, scared and shouted at staff, made in a sneak preview of a book in Sunday’s Observer, and further stirred by claims from the National Bullying Helpline.
Unconservative values: Tories’ duff up-the-duff stats
The Conservative Party was accused of bloating figures this week in a report carrying pregnant claims about teenage motherhood in broken Britain. The report, entitled Labour’s 0.2 Twenty Two Nations, gestated that ‘In the most deprived areas, 54% [of girls] are likely to fall pregnant before the age of 18, compared to just 19% in the least deprived areas.’
Cutting remarks: Brown spells out C-U-Ts at TUC’s conference
As Gordon Brown finally uttered what the hilarious press are dubbing ‘the c-word’ at a trade union meeting, the Tories and Labour have driven bipartisan politics to a new low this week, transforming the decision between the two former avowed, deep-seated ideological opponents to a choice between ‘cuts’ or ‘nyah, nyah, he said “cuts”! We promised cuts first, he’s a copier!’
Doctored evidence: Republicans lie in critical condition over NHS
America has exploded with rage in the face of President Obama’s proposal that everyone in the USA may be entitled to medical treatment in the event that they become ill. Insurance companies have launched a backlash campaign of adverts criticising Britain’s National Health Service, whose vast cost is expected to add 10% to premiums by 2013.
No expense spared: Press make no allowances after receipt of MPs’ claims
As Daily Telegraph circulation soars, journalists from newspapers throughout the UK have spent nearly a fortnight leaping into first-class trains to report on the perfidity of our parliamentary representatives from every luxury hotel in Westminster.
Jacqui’s man’s right hand: TV pawned after TV porn, Smith pwnd
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith got tied up in a sticky situation this week as it came out that her husband had squeezed a tenner from the public purse whilst watching two pornos at their scandal-baiting ‘second home’ in Redditch.
Heiry problem: Brown backs equal rights for queens
Buckingham Palace and the Prime Minister have been in discussion over scrapping the 1701 Act of Settlement, a piece of outdated, discriminatory legislation whose removal would transform the monarchy into a dynamic, inclusive institution fit for the 21st century.
Jack boots out FoI request: Veto to keep skeletons in the Cabinet
The Justice Secretary Jack Straw this week revealed that he was blocking a move to release minutes from the Cabinet meetings that led up to the invasion of Iraq in 2003, due to ‘the damage that disclosure would do’ to confidence in the Cabinet system, by proving to the public how impressionable and unquestioning the nation’s top MPs really are.
Nutt E Professor: Drugs moralising leaves Smith hoarse
Government drugs advisor Professor David J Nutt has been forced to apologise by the Home Secretary for correctly observing that riding a horse is significantly more dangerous than popping pills at a disco.
Shoesmith cobbled: Balls denies fiddling as Baby P splashed all over papers again
Children, schools and families minister Ed Balls has said that he ‘didn’t jump in’ by sacking Sharon Shoesmith, the former head of Children’s Services at Haringey council. ‘I don’t for a minute regret pandering to the hysterical tabloid press,’ he said, ‘I’d do it again! And we’d have got away with it if it weren’t for those meddling with kids!’
Striking accord: Copy-wildcat strikes spread in Total war
Mass walk-outs peaked on Monday when schoolteachers, schoolchildren and anyone who commuted by London bus or Tube stayed off work, none of them in support of protests over foreign labour which started at Lindsey oil refinery last week.
Grave secrets: Government’s plan to bury open inquests back from the dead
The Government has this week re-introduced proposals that would allow inquests into those who have died suddenly to be conducted secretly, to prevent sensitive information from being leaked to grieving relatives, or other members of the public. Such information might relate to possible terror offences, or, indeed, pretty much anything, which can be classified as terrorist offences under 2006 legislation.
Hard cell: Labour detain plans to vote for boys in blue
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced this week that the Home Office would ‘step back’ from plans to ‘democratise’ the police, contrary to her traditional policy strategy, ‘if if ain’t broke, smash it up a bit and see if that looks any better’.
Road to ruin: Tories score cheap points over expensive tax
The Tories have pulled a thinly-veiled PR coup by accusing Gordon Brown of misleading the House over new road tax proposals now it’s transpired that, under the new system, owning a car will be almost as expensive as fuelling one.
10p tax banned: Policy change as penny finally drops
The government has announced that it will review the winners and losers of its alteration of income tax rates after it became apparent that the biggest losers would be them, in the local elections this week.
Ho ho d'oh: Lost post before Christmas
A red-faced and somewhat less-than-jolly government spokesman today confessed that the Santa had lost the records of 1.2 million boys and girls in the third government-loses-records debacle in the space of a month.
Peer Review: Questions asked after "cash for peerage"
After a narrow victory on his education bill, Tony Blair was saved awkward questions about it being carried by the Tories by instead taking awkward questions on why Labour's biggest donors all seem to get nominated for peerages.
Schoolboy Error: Blair dobbed in over school reforms
Tony Blair has defended his proposed schools shake-up, explaining that the system is "not working well enough", and he believes that, better than improving it, he should change it.
Religious Right: Government Wrong
The Prime Minister was left humiliated last night after his Government was defeated by Tony Blair, MP for Sedgefield, who'd snuck out of the House of Commons to write "Gordon Brown is gay" on the toilet walls during a crucial vote on the religious hatred bill.
Taken From Behind: Sir Ming sneaks up on trailing rivals
There was consternation in the Commons early today, as Sir Menzies Campbell, intrim leader of the Liberal Democrats, issued a statement revealing the dull truth about his love life: he isn't gay, and he's never had sex with a rent boy.
Down In One: Councillor quits after shopping scandal
Market Pickton's Lib Dem council leader Marvin Wilcox was forced to step down after a weekend of 'reflection' and 'back-stabbing' after publicly admitting to a shopping problem.
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