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Gordon Brown has this week spoken of being ‘repulsed’ by Libya’s welcome of released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi. ‘It was disgusting. Those blasted Libyans have never given me a “hero’s welcome” with Scottish flags,’ he grumbled, ‘And I’ve never had a hug from Colonel Gadaffi.’
Exit polls suggest that this summer’s A-level results are the highest since Roman times. Examiners forecast that 100% of pupils will achieve three qualifications at grades A*–A by 2027, with a special B grade reserved for the most moronic script in each subject, unless urgent action is taken.
A Commons select committee report has found that, shockingly, different degrees at different universities require ‘different levels of effort’ to obtain the same classification, with some honorary degrees bestowed on Members of Parliament not requiring any effort at all.
Unemployment figures out this week show a dispiriting climb in the number of UK jobless, with over 2.2 million people now out of work. The headline figure is up 244,000, which is coincidentally the same as the spike in viewers experienced by ITV’s daytime Jeremy Kyle Show.
The Police have launched an advertising blitz asking the public to report anyone a bit funny-looking, just in case they might be a terrorist. ‘Defending our freedoms is a tough job,’ explained Met chief Paul Stephenson, ‘so we’re adopting a two-pronged approach of defending those freedoms whilst eroding them to make defending them simpler.’
The UK’s councils have been leaving roads treacherously icy as supplies of gritting salt run low throughout the country. A suggestion made following a poll of Daily Mail readers, that we should send asylum seekers down the salt mines, was said to be under review by the Home Secretary.
The UK has been left paralysed after literally centimetres of snow rendered news outlets unable to produce anything other than lazy, anodyne leaders about the inclement conditions.
Fifteen children have been arrested by Gloucestershire Police after being found in possession of images depicting a convicted paedophile.
Amid mounting desperation from anyone with common sense, protestors from environmental group Greenpeace have purchased a small plot of land in the proposed third runway site. The land will be sold in smaller pieces to people around the World, utterly defeating the corporations involved and the British government in what is being hailed as the greatest display of people power since John Sergeant’s triumphant victory on Strictly Come Dancing.
New powers will give councils a range of options for dealing with schools whose results consistently fail to improve, from sending a letter home to teachers’ parents to keeping teachers in the classrooms at lunchtime.
Gordon Brown is staking his reputation on ‘winning the argument’ over Labour’s terrorism bill, a piece of legislation only slightly more popular than Mr Brown himself.
Consternation was widespread last week as the government repealed the 1951 Fraudulent Mediums Act and replaced it with generic consumer legislation which would see mediums, psychics, quacks and idiots more heavily regulated. Following a last-minute appeal, however, the bill was changed to exclude mortgage providers from the new regulations.
Pro- and anti-Chinese protestors are expected to line the streets of London this weekend as the Olympic torch is brought to the capital in the (literal) run-up to the Beijing Olympics.
Lord Goldsmith this week published proposals to increase social cohesion and foster a sense of national identity by infuriating teenagers with a pledge of allegiance to their country and monarch.
John Darwin, who 'died' in a 'canoeing' 'accident' five years ago, has been arrested on suspicion of being a berk after letting someone put a photograph of him, captioned with his name and dated 2006, on the Web.