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Bill’s ill skills chill Jong-il’s strong will
Former US President Bill Clinton returned from North Korea today after single-handedly (with his entourage) retrieving two American journalists who had been incarcerated after a visa mix-up whilst filming a documentary for Al Gore’s Current TV in March.
UK Afghanistan deaths exceed 10000000: War on Terror’s binary worldview bad for fatality figures
Aghast newspapers, critics of the UK involvement in Afghanistan, and people with little understanding of modelling random events involving small numbers, this week heralded the ‘deadliest day’ in the war’s history, with a staggering eight deaths occurring in a single twenty-four–hour period.
World Banking on $1.1 trillion: Brown and Barack’s greenbacks put G20 back in black
World leaders have been queuing up to slap Gordon Brown on the back and hail the conclusion of the G20 summit ‘historic’, for fear that use of any more specific adjectives might let slip the fact no-one has the faintest idea what’s going on.
Submarine but not heard: Crew yell ‘Ow, submarine!’ after deep impact
A Royal Navy and a French nuclear submarine have both limped back to port after a prang during a routine prowl around the mid-Atlantic awaiting the command to end the World.
Israelis diss proportionality: Palestine Is-raeling against reprisals
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has promised Hamas a ‘disproportionate’ response to any rocket attack ‘because a proportionate one would be to push over a wall, which is both a waste of time, and a really dangerous precendent. Get away from my fence with that drill!!’
Guantá-no-more: Policy roll-Baracks in busy first week
President-elected Barack Obama has left heads spinning, having reverted or fundamentally altered many of his predecessor’s policies. Presidential aide Claire Timkins told KTAB: ‘It didn’t actually take that much effort. The Bush administration had turned policies so far to the right that they were almost at 180º anyway.’
Obama inauguration awes nation: Change loose, Bush whacked as Barack sworn in
The preceding eight years of US Election coverage have finally drawn to a close with President-Elect Barack Obama taking the Oath of Allegiance and becoming President Barack Obama, President of the United States of America.
UN cooked: PR FUBAR as IDF WPs UN HQ
In what they hope to be a knockout blow to Gaza’s Hamas leadership, the Israeli Defence Force have managed to kill interior minister Said Siyad, damaging only three hospitals, killing only six other people, giving rise to mild threats of retaliation, and using only ever-so-slightly illegal white phosphorous (WP) munitions to set fire to a key UN humanitarian aid depot in the process.
West Banks on peace: Israeli assault Hamas Gaza
Western leaders have been quick to condemn the continuing campaigns of violence from both Israel and Hamas, asking that they discuss their differences rationally, like children, instead of acting like a bunch of stroppy adults with an army and missiles.
Obama-nation: Republicans blue as 52% of US unites behind Obama
In a decade-defining moment, the United States of America this week elected its first Democrat president for almost eight years.
All fired up: Iranian missiles not a hit with Israel
Consternation has gripped the Middle East after Iran tested a new range of ballistic missiles. The weapons’ reported range is 1,242 miles, or approximately half a Middle East—‘Which is pretty handy if you’re in the middle, eh?!’ joked Iranian general General Bighouse, scratching his trigger finger.
Voters Rob Mugabe: Half Zimbabwe to democracy
Greeted with news that opposition leaders in Zimbabwe had declared victory in the country's elections, clinching a majority over the oppressive Zanu-PF for the first time since 1980, incumbent Robert Mugabe declared 'OK... how about best of three?'
EUnuchs: Labour lack balls for Lisbon referendum
The Tories today tried to take Labour to task over breaking manifesto promises, recommending that MPs vote for a referendum about the sexed-down EU constitution.
Iron Curtains: End in sight for Putin's Russia
Following his unexpected win in last week's Russian Presidential elections, the mysterious victor Dmitry Medvedev has promised radical reform of his country, intending to act in stark contrast to his predecessor, Vladimir Putin.
Bear Unrest-ities: Gibbons home after teddy row Baloo over
A British schoolteacher in Sudan jailed for naming a teddy bear 'Muhammad' has now been allowed to come home after it emerged that this was totally unreasonable and stupid.
Cartoon Capers: Bad image riots no joke
Controversy, deaths and the charred remains of embassies lie in the wake of the continuing protests over some not-very-funny cartoons published in Danish paper Jyllands-Posten last year.
On The Rocks: Spying slander after Russia finds UK "precious stone"
Russia this week accused British diplomatic officials of collaborating with workers from Russian NGOs to spy on them. The "spies" allegedly loitered suspiciously around a "fake rock" containing a wireless transceiver which downloaded secret data from their pocket PCs.
Watch the Birdie: World looks on in panic as avian flu spreads to Europe
With human bird flu cases now confirmed as far west as the fringes of Europe, an emergency summit was called in China inviting countries to donate funds before the virus mutates into a form which might make it dangerous to rich people who don't live with their chickens.
Iranians Look To Uranium: Iran asked to power down nuclear programme
The IAEA will shortly decide whether or not to refer Iran to the UN Security Council for trying to bring its electricity system up to speed with those in the West.
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